…particularly when you are not, in fact, a creative person.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed today, in both a positive and negative way – I’m hoping that by this evening, all the emotions will cancel themselves out and I can sleep. I just found out yesterday that as human beings, our performance begins to decline after 16 hours without sleep, and 21 hours of constant wakefulness was equal to a blood alcohol content of .08 percent – the blood alcohol limit for drunk driving in the US. Last week during our trip to Syracuse, I went 40 hours without so much as a nod or a blink. By Friday, I was having electrical, stinging pain in my spine and a headache that I couldn’t quite consider a migraine, but came damn close. Most troubling was the speech and thought impediment, which I’m experiencing again today. Of all the symptoms that I could have with MS, the impact on my reading, writing & speaking abilities scare me the most. It’s unimaginably frustrating, as an English major who scored a near perfect SAT & GRE verbal score, to struggle with WORDS – words that are sometimes all I have to keep me safe and calm.
Like I said, we were in Syracuse last week and we DID find an apartment – it is a little on the small side, but is very affordable and absolutely beautiful. It has hardwood floors and an open layout; the kitchen has a breakfast bar and all new appliances; the bathroom is HUGE (in comparison); the bedrooms are small (which is good because it forced us to downsize – a move that has made us much happier & lighter); there is a balcony w/ extra storage space; there are no lady bugs. NO LADY BUGS! That alone is worth the rent.
This past Monday I sent out letters to EIGHT different medical facilities here in State College to let them know that I will only be able to send them $5/month since I am unemployed, have no insurance and owe over $17,000 in medical debt (so far). Putting stamps on all those envelopes and getting them out of our house was such a stress reliever – I truly felt lighter. The hospital called Thommy today to let us know they had received the letter and while they can’t consider $5/month a “monthly payback option”, it will keep us from collections.
Today, Thommy found out that he WILL get his three comp days from Macy*s, so his last day will be Sunday, February 21st, but he will get paid through that Wednesday! Having him home to help for those extra days means that we won’t have to spend much time on packing in the next couple weeks. Other than our very first move from SUNY Cortland to Wilmington, NC, I can honestly say that this is the most excited I’ve been about a relocation. We have come up with an amazing FIVE YEAR PLAN that we’ve already gotten started on (details to follow). There is such motivation and inspiration that comes from knowing you are in a safe, secure place and can truly sit still for a while and “regroup.” And what better place than Central NY to do such a thing – we have countless friends and family members so close. It was beautiful seeing Danielle & Meg & Logan & Kyle & Tinker… and knowing that seeing them will be part of our ordinary lives in just a few weeks is wonderful. Well, Danielle is supposed to fly out to distant lands in a couple weeks, but Thommy and I are working hard to ground her in Syracuse as well. She is just about the *awesomest* person there is (Thommy’s word).
I received the most amazing birthday cards in the mail today from my Memere, Uncle Maurice & Aunt Louise. I cried for a bit. Their words and generosity mean more than they know.
It looks like there might be more blizzard conditions tonight. Thommy and I are going to watch some basketball games on the couch and watch the snow fall. Snow is such a marvelous thing when viewed from the inside.
Ok, so the title of my post is referring to the fact that I am trying to streamline all my other ideas and thoughts and make them easily accessible. My mind is racing constantly and there are so many things I want to accomplish, to celebrate and share. I made lots of progress today but as with most things, I find that I am discouraged by my slow progress. I want everything to be whole and perfect from inception, yet I know that it doesn’t quite work like that. I don’t know why I’m so quick to deflate through my construction phases. I guess I feel absolved in the very beginnings of things, since it’s hard to be accountable for things that are new and unfamiliar. I guess I also feel peaceful at the end of things, since they are over and I’ve been truly learning how to “put it down” and move on. But I really need some serious work on the middle part – I am so uncomfortable in the space that has already been started, yet not finished – this uneven, unsure, wandering middle ground is not stable and I don’t ever feel comfortable there, in the “not knowing.” It’s a flaw and I’m working on it.
Anyway – I’m going to post separate notes shortly to introduce you to the new things, which please remember are barely started and unsure of themselves but ready to grow any moment. Please feel free to follow along daily, or check in periodically, but as always… thank you for being interested.