Weeks pass and I seem to be stuck. Months, actually, since I last posted; they have fallen away like leaves turning, dropping, disappearing. It was hard to look at the days that made up the weeks that made up the months… hard in the individual moments to see what was happening. I needed some distance to really see the path. I’ve learned some lessons but I’m not done. That might be why I hesitated to post anything – there was actually too much to be said with no words ready to express anything.
Do you do this, too? Do you wonder where the time is going and then when you think you’re ready to collect the recent past and wrap it up neatly for inspection… well, you can’t… quite… grasp… it
The point and purpose of this journal (so I thought) was knowledge and extension. Learn something, pass it on. Experience something, let it go. I’m not shy about it – I want to put it all out there so someone who happens upon it when they need it can relate. “Not alone,” they’ll think… “someone else, too”…
But I don’t have the right words yet to describe this summer. It’s been difficult and blessed and still not quite understood.
There are medical things like sinus infections that last 2 months, friends growing up and moving on, friends growing up and coming back, heavy questions like “What am I supposed to do with this life”, amazing answers like “first find your voice”. Lawyers. Doctors. Medical clerics. Family.
But regarding perspective. Somewhere in the heat, I forgot what it means to write and share – specifically through public venues such as this. It doesn’t mean you have the answers first and then post them, hoping that all those with similar questions are satisfied; no, indeed the purpose is to work through all the questions that we all have, give your own perspective, wait for the stroke of the keys to make music, to hum out the answers that you had all along. I believe by sharing, what we’re really doing is fine-tuning our beliefs about everything, and in that resonating moment, the Universe hears the prayer. Surely, it knows the honest answers we seek. The point is to ask. Then ask again. Then say something worth saying and hope that it resonates within you and others. You might have to ask the same thing again and again, but the answer is not ever out of our reach. Each asking brings us closer.
So, what have you asked for lately? Did you get it? In what ways have you shown up to receive it?
I wonder, for myself, if I am just not ready yet. I have made progress towards publishing my book. Small steps. Contacting a lawyer for information regarding copyright and trademark; emailing an author for advice; getting in touch with Cortland professors for tips on how to find a publisher; setting up a website to temporarily house the pages.
They are crucial, rock-solid steps… but they are not the most important parts.
More than anything, I need to believe this is happening … WILL happen … maybe not exactly the way I picture it right now, but in the exact way it is supposed to happen. Equally important is this: I must feel worthy… I must be able to show gratitude and acceptance of the honor. If we shy away from those things – if we don’t feel ourselves truly worthy of all that we ask for – then the Universe is not going to give us a burden we are not ready to bear.
So I hope you continue to ask questions and then explore all the answers you think you have. Narrow them down, whittle them away, until all you have left is your certainty and your belief. Believe that asking is sometimes more important than knowing, and that acceptance is key to receiving.
Keep looking for what it is that you want to find and never, ever overlook the lessons before you right now.
Keep moving. I have to remind myself of that. Knowing where we’re going isn’t the most important part, it’s that we keep on moving.