Yesterday was just one of those days that change everything. We’re all changing, little by little, each day, I know; but yesterday was more of the “changing-by-leaping” variety. I am so curious each day when I waken: what part of me will die today and what part am I about to give birth to? I don’t know when this started but looking back I’ve now realize that every day has been a mini-revolution of thought and action. Perhaps it was always this way, but since The Reconnection, as I “notice what I notice” – I’ve noticed this: I’m becoming more like myself every day.
I used to apologize so profusely, you would be sure it was my very existence I was atoning for. People would cut in front of me in a supermarket, or bump into me on the streets and were promptly greeted by MY apologies. “Sorry for existing, let me get out of your way now.” (Side note: I wasn’t so good at the Big Girl apologies.) No more… I don’t feel compelled to exonerate myself at each waking moment.
I used to curse the very skin I live in because that somehow felt more natural than settling comfortably into my grooves and shapes and accepting how perfect I was. It seemed preposterous to believe that my body, scarred and not perfectly proportioned, was beautiful. I abused my body in a myriad of ways, while simultaneously shaming myself for buying into the conspiracy of mass-produced “beauty standards.” No more… I have been reminded and will continue to spread the message: YOUR BODY IS NOT AN APOLOGY.
I used to shy away from people, unfamiliar places and experiences that did not fit completely within my comfort zone. I used to live for yesterday and for tomorrow, but not for today. I used to balance our checkbook like it was my soul’s sole purpose. I used to tell myself and others that “I wasn’t good in math (or science, or art history, or esoteric study, or _________________) because I wanted to shout out my weakness before other’s could whisper about it amongst themselves. I used to refrain from telling people I loved how much I loved them, or how much I liked their company, or how much I wanted to help them because I was afraid of what they would make that up to mean. I didn’t wear tank tops in the summer. I didn’t speak my mind if what it had to say was the dissenting or minority opinion.
It’s bound to happen that some days, some of these absurdities will creep up and out into my experience. I guess what I’m most grateful for is this new sense of recognition that enables me to witness myself as a casual, outside observer and act quickly to realign with the very best parts of my being.
I learned an “anchoring” technique yesterday. This particular healing process involved the perpetual feeling of inadequacy I hold and linked it back to a time in my life, when I was 19 and experiencing the very worst of what a hospital has to offer. It was at this time when I felt certain that I would never be healthy, confident, capable or CERTAIN. This word has escaped me for so long and when Elizabeth guided me through this anchoring, she had me repeat, “I am certain, I am certain.”
I am so certain that yesterday was one of the top 5 most important days of my life. For perspective, I offer up 02/18 (birth date), 10/04 (my wedding anniversary) and 09/13 (my admission into Renfrew) and now 05/02 (the realization and understanding of my life’s purpose, replete with tools on how to go about carving out destiny).
God calls you to the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” ~Frederick Buechner
I am so blessed and honored by this process of awakening; so grateful for this time of understanding. I am so excited to start my life’s work in the knowledge that I am always enough. I am capable. I am certain.
PS. My “Attitude of Gratitude” project is moving along at a slower pace than I originally imagined. Come to find out that sitting down to tell someone how much you love and appreciate them is a powerful, time-consuming, cathartic and miraculous experience and can be brilliantly exhausting. My goal is one person a day now. But I hope that when it’s YOUR day, you can really feel how much gratitude I hold for your existence in my experience. Thank you for your patience ❤